


Hold Nothing Back (From You)

by carolinecrane



Category: Castle
Genre: Bondage, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-28
Updated: 2011-08-28
Packaged: 2017-10-23 03:24:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/245758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carolinecrane/pseuds/carolinecrane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are things that bug Esposito about his partner.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hold Nothing Back (From You)

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written in 2009 for kink bingo, so it's only canon-compliant through season one.

There are things that bug Esposito about his partner. He spends more time with Ryan than anyone else in his life, so they're bound to get on each other's nerves. Mostly it's little stuff; the distracting way Ryan taps his fingers against his thigh when they're a few boring hours into a stakeout, or the little 'mmm' of pleasure he makes on the first bite of those cookies the desk sergeant's wife sends in with him every so often.

What bothers Esposito about Ryan changes depending on the day and his mood, but right now the big ones are Ryan's tie, Ryan's crush on Castle, and Ryan's new girlfriend.

It's all down to the tie, really. If it wasn't for the stupid tie he probably wouldn't have heard that Ryan's seeing some new girl, and he wouldn't have let curiosity get the best of him and asked where, exactly, Ryan met this girlfriend of his in the first place. And if he hadn't asked, he wouldn't have heard the story about Ryan hanging out in the bookstore, thumbing through Castle's latest novel, when some girl came up to him and started salivating all over Castle's book like he was some kind of rock star instead of a mostly annoying pain in the ass. Which would have meant he wouldn't have to keep picturing the way Ryan grinned when he described how he name-dropped Castle like they're the ones who are partners instead of him and Esposito, and he wouldn't have to remember the way it felt when Ryan nudged him with an elbow and said, "Guess Castle's good for something after all, huh?"

So Ryan's got a girlfriend -- one with really shitty taste in ties -- and it's all thanks to Castle, and Esposito mostly feels like punching a hole through something. He's thinking Castle's face might not be such a bad choice.

"Since when do you even read those books?" he says, and he probably shouldn't be surprised when Ryan frowns at him, because the last time either of them brought up Castle or what his books are good for was at least an hour ago.

When Ryan figures out what he's talking about he shrugs and reaches into his desk for his keys, pocketing them along with his wallet. "After the first case he worked with us. I figured Beckett had a point."

"About what?"

"Why people do what they do," Ryan says. He follows Esposito out of the station, still talking as they hit the sidewalk and turn in the direction of the subway. "We see a lot of fucked up shit every day, and most of it doesn't make a whole lot of sense."

Esposito's pretty sure Castle doesn't have all the answers to why people do fucked up shit to each other tied up in a neat little bow inside his latest bestseller, but he doesn't say so. He doesn't want to talk about it at all, mostly because he doesn't like to think about all the stuff they see when he's not trying to figure out who did it in the first place. Instead he looks over at Ryan, glancing down his chest and raising an eyebrow. "You know what's fucked up? That tie."

He expects the flash of hurt in Ryan's eyes to make him feel better, but all it does is leave a hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach. He's not even sure _why_ he's so pissed, because it's not like he didn't know Ryan dated. It's just that they spend all their time together, and he figured if there was somebody in Ryan's life that he'd mention it to his partner. It would be one thing if their relationship was just on the job, but they play poker with the rest of the team and they catch a game together every so often. Esposito was planning to invite Ryan over for beers and the Knicks tonight, in fact, but that was before he heard it was a special occasion. "Who celebrates a two week anniversary, anyway?"

"Chicks, I guess," Ryan answers. They reach the subway station where they usually part ways, but instead of waving him off and heading uptown to his girlfriend, Ryan stops and turns to face him. "You feel like catching the game?"

"I thought it was your anniversary."

"Last night. She's got a thing tonight."

Which makes Esposito second choice, and he knows he should tell Ryan he has a 'thing' tonight too. For the sake of his sanity he should probably go out and find himself something to get his mind off his partner and his partner's new girl. Instead he nods in the direction of the subway, and when Ryan grins and heads for the stairs Esposito swallows a sigh and follows.

~

They're on their second beer before the subject of Ryan's girlfriend comes up again, and Esposito can't even blame the booze for being the one to bring it up, because he'd need a lot more than a beer and a half to lose control of his senses. Apparently what he needs is a beer and a half, Ryan sprawled on his couch with that hideous tie of his hanging loose around his neck, and the most boring Knicks game he's sat through all season. "How come you didn't tell me about your new girl?"

The question doesn't surprise him any less than it does Ryan, but Esposito pretends that he meant to say it out loud. He does a decent job of covering, anyway, he thinks, because Ryan doesn't look suspicious so much as...guilty. He shrugs and picks at the label on his bottle, carefully not looking at Esposito, and they've known each other long enough for Esposito to read between the lines. "It's not really a big deal. I mean, it's only been two weeks."

"She must think it's a big deal. She bought you a present, didn't she?" That gets him a blush, and when Esposito starts wondering just far down that pale Irish skin it spreads, he knows he's in trouble.

"Guess it just didn't come up."

"Right. So all those times in the past two weeks when I've said, 'Hey, partner, what's up?' or 'what's new, Ryan?' or 'got any big plans for tonight?', it just didn't seem worth mentioning. She must be some girl. What is she, deformed or something? Does she only come out at night? If she goes for the jugular, don't call me."

"Fuck off," Ryan says, but there's no heat behind it. Mostly he just sounds tired, and Esposito finds himself disappointed that he can't even manage to get a rise out of his partner when he's being an asshole on purpose.

Esposito forces a laugh, because that's what he always does when Ryan tells him to fuck off, but this time it just sounds kind of mean. If Ryan asked he wouldn't even be able to say _why_ he's trying to pick a fight, but Castle's not here to punch, so that just leaves Ryan. Ryan and his stupid, ugly tie, hanging around his neck and slipping just a little lower when Ryan leans forward and looks at him.

"Man, what's with you tonight?"

There's no good answer to that one either, at least not one he's willing to say out loud. Ryan's got his elbows braced on his knees, sitting sort of sideways on Esposito's couch and not even pretending to watch the game anymore. His ugly tie's swinging a little, catching the light from the TV every so often and for a second Esposito thinks about grabbing it and pulling Ryan forward. He thinks about kissing his partner, crossing a line he swore he'd never cross and ruining everything: their friendship, their partnership, the entire team. Just for a second it seems like it would be worth it, just to see the look on Ryan's face when Esposito showed him what's with him tonight.

Instead he leans back on the couch and lifts his beer to his mouth, taking a long pull and dragging his hand across his lips before he answers. "Me? I'm all good."

He's not sure how long Ryan just sits there watching him watch the game. Not that he's actually paying attention to what's going on; he lost track of the score awhile back, and the words coming out of the announcer's mouth sound like they're in some foreign language all of a sudden. But he keeps watching anyway, because if he looks at Ryan again he's going to do something stupid, and then they'll both have a problem. It feels like hours but it's probably just a few seconds before Ryan sighs, and out of the corner of his eye Esposito sees him reach up to run his hands through his hair.

"Whatever. Guess I'll catch you tomorrow," he says, standing up and reaching up to adjust his fucking tie, and Esposito curls his hand into a fist at his side to keep from reacting. Ryan pauses for another beat, like maybe he's waiting for Esposito to stop him, to make him sit back down and have a heart to heart like a couple chicks. When that doesn't happen he lets out another sigh and digs his keys out, and once he's moving toward the door it's safe for Esposito to look at him again.

He stands up and sets his beer down, following at a safe distance because he's pissed, sure, but that doesn't give him a reason to be a lousy host. Even if Ryan did invite himself over in the first place. Ryan pulls the door open and steps into the hallway, pausing when he's over the threshold and turning to look at Esposito. Standing there in the bright hall lights, shoulders hunched and looking like a kicked puppy, Ryan looks a little lost all of a sudden. Which is crazy, because he spends almost as much time at Esposito's place as he does his own. Except that's going to change now, because he's got some girl to keep him warm at night.

"You sure everything's cool? If I did something..."

"Everything's cool," Esposito interrupts, and he has to fight the urge to push Ryan toward the elevator, to tell him to get the hell out already just so Esposito doesn't have to look at his expression anymore. "Go home to your new girlfriend."

Ryan opens his mouth to answer, then shakes his head and walks away without a word, and Esposito tells himself it's for the best and shuts the door.

~

Things are weird between them after that. Esposito's expecting it -- knows it's mostly his fault, even, but it makes him feel a little better to blame Castle for the whole mess. If he hadn't decided Beckett was his new muse and started following her around Ryan wouldn't be reading his books, after all, and if Ryan wasn't reading Castle's books he never would have met this new girl whose name Esposito doesn't even know.

At work they're still partners; they still talk in the same shorthand they've had practically since their first week on the job together, and they still work their cases the same way they always have. But the moments in between are tense, and every time Esposito spots Ryan sipping espresso out of one of the stupid cups Castle bought he wants to take that expensive coffee maker and kick it down a flight of stairs. Then he wants to kick Castle right after it, tell him to go back to his book signings where people like Ryan's girlfriend can drool all over him without making Esposito's life any more complicated than it needs to be.

And Ryan's girlfriend is definitely a complication. He doesn't even know her and she's complicating his life; before she came along, he could pretend he and Ryan were just friends and ignore that thing between them they never talked about. He could take the idea out late at night when he was all alone and turn it over in his head, and if it made it a little harder to look at Ryan the next day, he knew Ryan was never going to ask why. But now there's a girl, and Esposito has to face the fact that the thing he thought they just didn't talk about was all on him all along.

It should make his life easier. It should mean that he can finally forget it, put any feelings that might get away from him aside and get on with his life. Maybe meet somebody his mother would actually approve of, somebody he could mention at the station without painting a target right on his back. Only that's the whole problem, because he _liked_ what he didn't really have going with Ryan, and he doesn't want to fill the void with somebody else.

Even if he did want to go out and get a life that doesn't involve anybody he works with, he still has to see Ryan all the time. When they're not on duty he still has to see Ryan; there's the weekly poker game, for one, which was sort of a tradition before Castle, but now it's an even bigger deal. He could skip it, but the chances of coming up with an excuse anybody would buy are pretty much nonexistent. Nobody skips the weekly poker game, which just goes to show none of them have a life. Except Ryan and his new girlfriend, apparently.

The next poker game happens just under a week after Esposito first hears about Ryan's new girl. He spends the entire day thinking up excuses to bail before he finally accepts the fact that he's just not that creative. He goes so far as considering claiming his mother's in the hospital, but he's a believer in karma, and he's not going to tempt fate by lying about something like that. Even if it means sitting next to Ryan and pretending everything's business as usual until Beckett and Castle finally get tired of calling each other's bluffs. Or get a room. He doesn't even care which comes first, as long as he doesn't have to stick around to witness it.

Any other time Ryan would wait around for him, see if he wanted to get some dinner and then maybe catch a cab over to Castle's place for the game. But things are weird between them, so Esposito's not that surprised when Ryan disappears as soon as their shift ends. He's gone before they can so much as exchange awkward 'see you laters', and Esposito tells himself it's for the best and heads out to get dinner on his own. No big deal, people do it all the time. It's New York, after all, and Esposito's grabbed dinner by himself plenty of times. Except he's never gone to _this_ place without Ryan, and when he finds himself at their favorite deli he frowns and reaches for his cell.

He's halfway to dialing Ryan's number -- speed dial 2 -- when he realizes what he's doing. He could call, sure, ask what Ryan's doing and why he ditched his partner when they've got a...well, sort of a standing date, but he doesn't want to hear the answer. Because the truth is probably that Ryan went to meet his girl, that they had plans for dinner before the game, and...God, if he brings her to poker night Esposito's going to lose it for sure. It's bad enough that he knows Ryan's waiting for some kind of apology, that things are going to stay weird between them until he says 'sorry' for something he's not really sorry about. Because Ryan had no business springing some new girl on him without warning that way, and really, if anybody should be apologizing, it's him.

He nods to himself and carefully doesn't think about why he's been staring at the ceiling all week instead of sleeping the sleep of the righteous, lifting his pastrami on rye and taking a big bite just as the deli door swings open and Ryan walks in. He holds his breath while he waits for someone else to follow Ryan in, realizing for the first time that he can't even picture her, because he doesn't know Ryan's type. He's guessing tiny blondes, but there's a chance he only tells himself that because it's pretty much exactly the opposite of him.

Then the door swings shut and it's just Ryan, which means either he got stood up, or the reason he left the station so fast was just to avoid dealing with Esposito. The thought sets his teeth on edge, but then he looks down and sees the tie Ryan's wearing, and his closes his hand hard enough around his soda to spray Coke all over the table. Ryan spots him at pretty much the same moment, of course. He doesn't look surprised to find Esposito eating dinner in the same place they always eat on poker night, but he looks like he regrets not finding someplace else to get his corned beef this week.

He crosses the room anyway, stopping at the same table they always sit at and just sort of standing there like he's waiting for an invitation. "Hey."

"Hey yourself," Esposito says, glancing up from mopping Coke off the table long enough to gesture at the chair across from him. "You gonna take a load off or did you just come in here to stare at me?"

Ryan's frown makes those little wrinkles between his eyebrows stand out, but he pulls the chair out and sits down, barely missing a puddle of Coke as he leans his elbows on the table. "I thought maybe you went home."

Esposito shrugs and looks down at his sandwich, but he's not so hungry all of a sudden. "I thought maybe you had a date."

"It's poker night," Ryan says, like that means anything. And it does, technically, but a lot of things change when people get all wrapped up in somebody who's not part of their usual routine.

"Figured maybe you were meeting your girl before the game. You sure ran out of the station house in a hurry."

"I didn't..." Ryan trails off, pursing his lips and looking away in that way that says he's trying not to lose his temper. Usually Esposito thinks it's pretty cute when he does that, but right now it just makes him want to strangle Ryan with his tie. Then Ryan looks back at him, reaching up to run a hand through his hair and Esposito stops thinking about strangling him and starts thinking about what Ryan would do if Esposito reached over and fixed the part in front where his hair's sticking up now. "I didn't run out of the station house. I spilled fucking espresso down the front of my shirt. By the time I changed and came back upstairs Castle said you took off."

Which explains the tie and the fresh shirt, which Esposito figured Ryan went home to put on for his date. And he knows what Ryan was wearing earlier, so he can picture the whole scene: espresso spilling down the front of his white shirt, Ryan's expression as he watches it seep in and realizes it's ruined, and he sort of wishes he hadn't missed the show. Esposito laughs and picks up his Coke, careful not to squeeze too hard this time. "That's what you get for drinking all that fucking espresso, man. It's making you jumpy."

"I don't drink that much espresso," Ryan says, hand twitching involuntarily against the table. "Anyway, that's not the point. The point is you ditched me."

"Sorry," Esposito says, shrugging because it's really no big deal. Just a misunderstanding, and okay, maybe that wouldn't have happened a week ago, but Ryan's the one who went out and got a girl and changed everything. "I was just trying to give you some space, man."

"Space? What the hell does that even mean?"

It's a good question, not that Esposito's going to admit it. It's the kind of thing he'd usually say to somebody he was dating, not his partner. And okay, sometimes having a partner can be a little like having a wife, but this still isn't the sort of conversation they should be having. Mainly because it's getting way too close to what's really bothering him, and there's no way they can keep working together if Ryan figures out the truth. Which is that somewhere along the way, his partner fell completely and stupidly in love with him, caffeine addiction and all.

Instead of answering he stands up, picking up the mostly untouched pastrami on rye and his Coke and tossing them in the nearest trash can. He can hear Ryan behind him, but he doesn't turn around to watch his partner follow him out of the deli. He's pretty sure if he does look he'll do something stupid, like grabbing Ryan by his stupid tie and kissing him.

"That's just great," Ryan says from behind him, and a second later a hand closes around his arm. "So you're just walking away now? What the hell is with you lately?"

For a few seconds Esposito just stares down at the hand on his arm. He could shake Ryan off, say something that will guarantee his partner stops following him. But Ryan's looking at him with a mixture of anger and determination, and before Esposito can stop himself he's closing his hand around the front of Ryan's shirt and dragging him into the alley behind the deli.

"You wanna know what's wrong with me?" he asks, shoving Ryan up against the brick wall closest to them. Ryan's hand comes up to cover his, and he still looks pissed, but there's something else in his eyes now too. Fear, maybe, and he's not sure if it's because Ryan's expecting Esposito to hit him, or he's afraid he's about to hear the truth. "You're what's wrong with me, man."

He comes pretty close to kissing Ryan. He wants to -- he's pretty sure Ryan would let him, even -- but at the last second he looks down at that stupid tie and remembers Ryan's girl. The thought fills his stomach with lead and he lets go of Ryan's shirt, backing off to a safe distance and shaking his head. "Forget it. Just let it go and go back to your girl."

When he leaves the alley Ryan's still leaning against the wall, breathing heavy and watching him go like maybe he's still trying to work out what just happened. Part of Esposito hopes Ryan uses his brain for once and lets him go, but the rest of him wants Ryan to follow more than he's ever wanted anything in his life. He wants Ryan to push for an answer, to keep pushing until Esposito can't stand it anymore. But that won't change the fact that he's got a girlfriend, and there are some lines even Esposito's not willing to cross.

~

It's even more tempting to blow off the poker game after his run-in with Ryan, but Esposito still can't come up with a decent excuse. "Sorry, but I almost lost my mind and kissed my partner" would probably work, but it would make going to work a lot harder. So he shows up at Castle's place, and he laughs off Beckett's frown when she sees that he's alone for once. "What, like we're joined at the hip?"

"Pretty much, yeah," Beckett says, still frowning at him and it's all Esposito can do not to roll his eyes.

"She makes a good point," Castle says, and this time Esposito does roll his eyes, because he may have everybody else fooled, but Esposito knows that Castle's real talent is for stating the obvious.

"Maybe he found something better to do," is all he says, then he wanders into the living room to talk shop with the captain and the judge. They're deep in a conversation Esposito's not really following about some high-profile case when the doorbell rings again, and a minute later there's Ryan, a six-pack of Esposito's favorite beer tucked under his arm and a dopey grin plastered on his face. He looks...normal. Like Esposito didn't drag him into an alley and almost kiss him less than an hour ago. It's weird, but it's not like Esposito can ask him about it in a room full of...well, mostly cops.

He watches while Ryan sets the beers he brought on the counter and pulls two of them out, prying the tops off both of them. Ryan crosses the room and hands one to him without a word, and there's not much Esposito can do besides take it. "Thanks."

His only answer is a hand on his shoulder, which anybody else in the room would probably think was just a friendly pat. A partners thing, one of those moments where they communicate without words. Only Esposito _knows_ Ryan, and he knows the way Ryan touches him, and his hand lingers just a little longer than it would if this were a partners thing.

He's still trying to convince himself he imagined it when everyone starts taking seats around the table, and somehow by the time he catches up the only chair still open is the one on Ryan's right. It's the same place he sits every week, so he's not surprised that's the one they left him. If he'd tried to switch with Castle or something they all would have made a big deal out of it anyway, so he tells himself it's for the best and takes his seat. As soon as he does a knee presses against his under the table, but when Esposito glances over at Ryan he's watching Castle shuffle the cards like he's never seen anything so fascinating in his entire life.

Castle takes his time dealing, and when he gets to Ryan he pauses and glances down at his shirt before continuing. "Are you sure your girlfriend didn't give you that tie as a joke, Ryan?"

"Ex-girlfriend. We broke up." Ryan doesn't look at him as he says it, but he reaches up and loosens the tie, fingers digging into the knot and dragging it down to hang around his neck.

"Already?" Castle says, and when his mother elbows him he makes a noise Esposito's never heard a guy make before.

Not that he's paying attention to Castle, because he's too busy staring at his partner, who never tells him a goddamn thing, as it turns out. "When did that happen?"

"A few days ago," Ryan says, picking up his cards and pretending like he's got anything at all to work with. "It's no big deal."

Esposito thinks about arguing, because it's a big deal to him, but Beckett and Castle are already bickering about something, and anyway, this isn't the place for that conversation. So Esposito lets it go for now, but the thigh that's been resting against his presses a little harder just for a second. And instead of spending the whole week wanting to kill Castle he should have been knocking some sense into himself, because if he hadn't walked away in the alley earlier, maybe they wouldn't have made it to the poker game in the first place.

~

By the time the grudge match between Castle and Beckett finally winds down Esposito's convinced himself it's never going to end. He's so relieved when it finally does that he practically knocks his chair over in his rush to get out of Castle's place, and Ryan seems to have the same idea, because when Esposito reaches Castle's front door his partner's right behind him. Neither of them says a word until they reach the subway station that will take them back downtown, and when Ryan slides his MetroCard through the scanner Esposito follows without asking for permission.

If Ryan thinks anything of it he doesn't say so; in fact, he looks like he's expecting Esposito to follow him onto the train. It just makes sense, because Ryan's place is closer, and there's no way they're having this conversation out in the open where anyone could see them. Where another cop could see them, and then they really would have a problem. So Esposito manages to keep his hands to himself until they're safely in Ryan's apartment building, and even once they're safely in the hall leading to Ryan's door the most he allows himself is a hand resting on Ryan's back.

Ryan leans back into it like he's been waiting for Esposito to touch him all night, and maybe he has. It takes him a second to dig his keys out, anyway, and when he finally gets the door open he pulls Esposito inside and kicks it closed. As soon as the door shuts Esposito's pushing him back against it, hands on his arms and lifting them up over his head. For a second he just looks at Ryan, tries to tell himself they shouldn't do this because they _work_ together, for Christ's sake, and this is going to be more complicated than any relationship Esposito's ever had.

But Ryan's staring back at him with slightly parted lips and a look on his face like he's just daring Esposito to take it back now, and Esposito hears himself whisper _fuck it_ just before he leans in and kisses his best friend.

Ryan kisses him back like he's dying and this is his last chance. Like he's been thinking about this for as long as Esposito has, picturing it for _years_ and trying not to picture it for even longer. His arms strain against Esposito's grip, all the strength that's never obvious just from looking at him pressing up until Esposito's sure he's going to leave a mark. And it's hot, but the needy little noises Ryan's making are even hotter, and Esposito's cock stirs at the way Ryan's hips are already moving.

Esposito pulls him away from the door, pushes his jacket off and doesn't worry about the drycleaning bill Ryan's going to make him pay. He reaches for Ryan's pants next, flicking the button open with two fingers and sliding the zipper down. Ryan's breath catches in his throat when fingers skim the skin below his waistband, and Esposito wonders just how long it's been since he did this. Wonders if he ever bothered fucking that girl he was dating, the one whose name Esposito doesn't know and doesn't ever want to hear.

He knows exactly where the bedroom is, and he grips the front of Ryan's shirt and pushes him backwards down the hall until they reach the door he's looking for. He pushes Ryan inside, working his pants down until they have to stop so Ryan can kick them off along with his shoes and socks. His boxers are next, and finally he's standing in front of Esposito in just a button-down and that tie.

"I hate this fucking tie," Esposito says, gripping both ends and dragging Ryan forward for another hard kiss. Ryan's hands push his jacket open to get at his buttons, fumbling at each one until Esposito's shirt is open and warm hands are sliding across his chest. He kicks his shoes off and pushes Ryan toward the bed, one hand still gripping his tie and the other on his hip to guide him across the room. When they reach the bed Ryan stops, reaching up to unbutton his own shirt. He reaches for his tie, but before he can pull it off Esposito grabs his wrists and pulls them away from his chest. "Leave it."

"I thought you hated it," Ryan says, breathless and flushed and if Esposito had known that this is what he looks like when he's turned on, he would have given in a long time ago. He pushes Ryan backwards onto the mattress, gaze never leaving Ryan as he sheds his own jacket and shirt. His pants and boxers are next, then his socks and when he looks back up Ryan's leaning back against the headboard, shirt and tie still on and one hand wrapped around his cock.

He climbs onto the mattress after Ryan, planting a knee on either side of his thighs and reaching for the hand that's slowly stroking his cock. With his other hand he reaches for Ryan's tie, tugging until it slides off his neck before he leans in to press his mouth to Ryan's ear. "That's mine."

Esposito feels the shiver that rolls through Ryan as he pushes both his wrists over his head, wrapping the tie around them before he secures it loosely to the headboard. He expects Ryan to complain, maybe make a joke about a safe word or something, but Ryan doesn't say anything. He just watches Esposito's face while he ties Ryan's wrists, and when Esposito pulls back to look at him he can see the trust in Ryan's eyes. His heart skips a beat and he leans forward, pressing their lips together for a long, slow kiss. Ryan's straining up under him, looking for some friction to ease the ache in his groin. But the whole point is to make him wait, to draw this out until he's begging for it -- begging for Esposito to let him come.

The thought makes Esposito's own cock twitch, but he ignores it and focuses on the pale expanse of Ryan's neck. He pushes Ryan's shirt open and catches a nipple with his thumb, his mouth working slowly down the other side of Ryan's chest when Ryan murmurs encouragement and strains up for more. Esposito's knees are locked tight on his thighs, holding him in place on the mattress and it's a rush, seeing Ryan completely incapacitated.

He runs his tongue down Ryan's chest, drawing a moan out of him when he reaches Ryan's belly button and dips his tongue into the hollow there. He does it again, then again just to feel Ryan buck up against him. His hands press against Ryan's hips, holding him against the mattress as he uses his tongue to explore the angle of Ryan's hip bones and the line of fine hairs leading to his cock. He's taking his time exploring every inch of Ryan, getting to know what makes his breath catch in his throat and what makes him strain just a little harder against Esposito's grip.

When he reaches Ryan's cock he runs his tongue over the head, then along the vein on the underside. Ryan moans and pulls harder against the tie holding him still as Esposito keeps moving lower, hands on Ryan's thighs now to push his legs apart and give him access to the patch of skin just behind his balls.

"Tease," Ryan hisses through clenched teeth, and Esposito laughs against his thigh and pushes his knees toward his chest. He lets go of one leg long enough to suck his thumb into his mouth, making sure it's slick before he pushes it inside. Ryan gasps and spreads his own legs wider, his whole body flushed as he presses up for more. He looks pretty much exactly the way Esposito always imagined he would, when he let himself picture this. Mostly he tries not to let himself think of his partner this way, but now that he's seen it he knows there's no way he's ever going to get enough.

"I wanna fuck you," he says, thumb still working in and out of Ryan as he stretches up to press their mouths together. Ryan strains hard against the tie to meet him, wrists red with the effort and panting against Esposito's mouth.

"So do it already."

"You got any lube?" Esposito asks, easing out of Ryan and smiling against his mouth at the moan Ryan can't quite stifle.

"In the bathroom," Ryan says, breathing hard between each word. "Under the sink. I'd go get it, but..."

He tugs against the tie to illustrate his point, and Esposito grins and presses a quick kiss to his lips. "Don't go anywhere."

Ryan's laugh follows him into the hall, one door down to the bathroom he's used a million times. He digs around under the sink until he finds what he's looking for, right next to a box of condoms that looks like it's been there for awhile. He pulls it out and flips the box open, but it's empty. For a second Esposito considers their options, then he tosses the box in the trash and heads back to the bedroom. When he gets there Ryan's right where he left him, arms stretched high above his head and his legs spread wide. He looks beautiful like that, and Esposito wishes he had a camera so he could show Ryan just how incredible he is.

He crosses the room in a few long strides and drops the lube on the mattress, kneeling between Ryan's legs and flipping open the lube to pour some onto his fingers. Ryan bends his knees and tilts his hips up as much as he can while he's tied to the bed, watching Esposito's hand like he's expecting something. When Esposito closes his hand around his own cock Ryan rolls his eyes and kicks his thigh. "You _are_ a fucking tease."

Esposito grins down at him and reaches for the lube again, pouring more on his fingers and sliding them between Ryan's legs this time. He pushes two fingers inside, working them in and out until Ryan's moaning and rocking up into his hand. It's hotter than he expected, seeing how much Ryan wants him, and Esposito's not sure how long he's going to last. He's starting to wonder if he could come just from watching Ryan fuck himself on Esposito's fingers when Ryan clenches hard around him. "Please, man, I can't..."

"What?" Esposito asks, pulling his fingers free with an effort and leaning up to plant a hand on either side of Ryan's face. "Tell me what you want."

"I want you to fuck me," Ryan says without even a trace of shyness, and Esposito has to reach down and squeeze his cock to keep from coming just from that. Then Ryan lets out a breathless laugh, tugging against the tie again. "I'm kind of at your mercy here."

"Looks good on you," Esposito says, leaning in to kiss Ryan until his heart stops hammering quite so hard in his chest. Ryan kisses him back like he's desperate for it, tongue thrusting in and out of Esposito's mouth and his biceps taut from straining against the ugly tie still holding him in place. Esposito glances up at it and notices a little tear starting in one edge already, but he doesn't point out that Ryan's girlfriend -- _ex_ -girlfriend -- bought him a cheap fucking tie. Instead he presses one last kiss to Ryan's lips and reaches down to line himself up, sliding into Ryan in one long, slow stroke.

He probably should have asked before he fucked Ryan without protection. Maybe he should have pointed out Ryan's complete and utter lack of preparedness, asked if he used his last condom on that girl of his or if he hasn't had sex in so long he didn't notice the box was empty. But Ryan knows he didn't put a condom on and he asked Esposito to fuck him anyway, so maybe he figures it's worth the risk. He did let Esposito tie him up, and anyway there's nobody a cop trusts more than his own partner.

Esposito groans and pulls out almost all the way, pausing to take in the sight of Ryan underneath him before he pushes inside again. Ryan moans and thrusts up to meet him, arms straining against the tie and when Esposito looks up his wrists are redder than ever. He frowns and reaches up, somehow managing not to lose his rhythm as he tugs at the knot until the tie comes loose. As soon as Ryan's wrists are free his hands are on Esposito, flexing against his shoulders and sliding down his back to try to get him even closer.

He's murmuring again, 'come on' and 'harder' and just the sound of his voice turns Esposito on. So he's going to spend the rest of his career half-hard; it's going to be a little distracting, but it's worth it if he gets to see Ryan like this. Ryan who's rocking up against him, begging for more and deeper but his hips don't angle quite enough to give him what he wants.

Esposito lets out a growl and pulls out completely, flipping Ryan over and gripping his hips to drag him up onto his knees. He pauses long enough to pour some more lube onto his fingers, running a slick hand over his cock before he slides back into Ryan. When he looks up again Ryan's tugging his shirt off and tossing it on the floor, leaving Esposito with a view of pale skin flushed pink with need. His hands grip Ryan's hips hard as Ryan thrusts back against him, and when Esposito finds just the right angle Ryan moans and reaches down to close a hand around his cock. A few quick strokes and he's coming, tightening around Esposito still buried inside him. He waits until Ryan relaxes a little, one hand sliding up his back to grip his shoulder and pull him back into Esposito's thrusts. When he feels himself start to lose control he pulls out completely and wraps a hand around his cock, stroking twice before he tenses and comes on his hand and Ryan's back.

He collapses onto the mattress, rolling onto his back and working hard to catch his breath, chest slick with sweat and heaving as Ryan rolls onto his side and reaches out to slide a hand through the come cooling on Esposito's stomach. He lifts his fingers to his mouth and sucks them between his lips, and if Esposito were any younger he'd drag Ryan down and start all over again. But he hasn't been that young for a long time, so instead he just laughs and reaches for Ryan's hand. He sucks Ryan's fingers into his own mouth, tongue sliding between each one as Ryan watches with slightly parted lips. When he's done he lets Ryan's fingers slip out of his mouth and lifts his hand a little higher, pressing a soft kiss to the slightly chafed skin on his wrist.

"You could have just told me you were jealous, you know."

"Who's jealous?" Esposito says, avoiding Ryan's steady gaze as he mouths his way up to Ryan's elbow. And now Ryan's laughing at him, but he probably deserves it, so he doesn't tell him to stop. Instead he tugs Ryan forward until he's close enough for Esposito to lean in and plant another kiss on the corner of his mouth. "So what happened, anyway?"

"I dumped her. She was only using me because she thought I'd introduce her to Castle anyway."

Esposito tenses and looks up from his exploration of Ryan's neck, frowning at Ryan's amused grin. "So if she hadn't been into Castle we wouldn't be having this conversation."

Ryan rolls his eyes, but he's still grinning as he pushes Esposito onto his back and swings one knee over his legs to straddle him. "You know, for a smart guy, you can be a real idiot. If you hadn't held out on me for so long I never would have gone out with her in the first place. If I'd known all I had to do to get you to give it up was date..."

"Don't say it," Esposito says, reaching up to press his fingers against Ryan's mouth. He doesn't want to hear her name, doesn't want to make her any more real than he has to. As far as he's concerned she's just an ugly tie that's too trashed to wear again, and that's how he wants it to stay.

"Jealous," Ryan says, lips moving against Esposito's fingers and sending a little thrill down his spine. "Cute, but totally jealous."

He thinks about arguing, but then Ryan's pulling his hand away to lean in and kiss him again, and Esposito figures it can wait until later.

~

After that things are still weird, but in a different way. It takes awhile to find the balance between work partners and that other kind of partner, and it turns out it's a little harder to keep it out of the station than he expected. Esposito spends the first week expecting every person who looks his way to ask him what's going on between him and Ryan, but eventually he realizes that they're all so glad he and Ryan are speaking to each other again that they don't really care why.

So things go back to normal, mostly, except that now when Ryan puts a hand on his shoulder in the station, there's a little more behind it than there used to be. They still work cases the same way, still finish each other's sentences and tell the same stupid jokes they always did. But now when their phones ring at 4:00 am, Esposito's wakes them up a couple minutes before Ryan's does.

Esposito pulls open his desk drawer to pull out his keys, glancing toward the back at a crumpled piece of fabric that's a little frayed around the edges. When he sees it he pictures Ryan flushed and straining up against the fabric, begging Esposito to fuck him. And yeah, if anybody spotted the tie they'd recognize it and ask what Esposito's doing with it, but anybody in the station would believe him if he said he hid it to save Ryan from his own bad fashion sense. He's still smiling to himself when a hand lands on his shoulder, and Ryan squeezes a little harder than he would have a month ago. "You ready to lose your paycheck?"

Esposito grins at the familiar dig and shuts the drawer before he stands up and slides an arm around Ryan's shoulders. "Big talk from a guy who had to borrow lunch money for a week after the last game."

It wasn't really a loan; the truth was Esposito fed him lunch and dinner for a week after Ryan lost all his money to Castle in the last poker game, listened to him bitch about how Castle must be cheating to win as much as he does, and he even cooked breakfast on Sunday morning after a long weekend in Esposito's bed.

Not that he's complaining. They've always looked out for each other, after all, and Esposito's not planning to stop any time soon.


End file.
